On forgiving

Forgiveness is a hard thing.  It's something I have had occasion to give many times, and many more times to seek for myself.  It's not just a hard thing, I think it's the hardest thing.  At least it is for me.  I am not an easily offended person, but I do have a limit, and once past that limit, forgiveness does not come cheaply to me.  I know I'm supposed to give it, "until seventy times seven" but somehow that doesn't make the doing of it easy.  I know it's the right thing, for my own sake, at least, not to hold on to bitterness and resentment.  Forgiveness frees one from the burden of negativity, the kind that literally eats a person's soul from the inside out.  I know because the negativity has begun feasting on mine numerous times, and it was the conscious choice to stop going down that path that was the beginning of another.  Once I made that choice, I did things like trying to see that person's good points, or from his/her perspective, praying for that person, trying to be humble and let go of the anger, talking to others about it, working through it in my mind.  All these things were good things and helped, but were never enough.  The only sure solution to the search for elusive forgiveness was to pray for forgiveness.  When forgiveness comes to me, the kind needed after serious injuries or offenses, it has been a miracle every time, a gift that was given, because it was beyond my personal ability.  It came to me because I was unable to reach that far, and because I asked for it.  Once forgiveness comes, healing comes with it.  To me forgiveness is healing.  It replaces the misery that has been taken away.  I say taken away, because that's exactly what I mean.  Only God can do the "taking away" and leave the good in its place.  We can do our part by wanting to forgive and trying to forgive, but the actual forgiving comes when He brings it to us and places it in our hearts.  And once God does do that, it takes me staying on my spiritual toes not to let the negativity creep back in.  When I say spiritual toes, I mean, doing the things that keep me close to God like scriptures and prayer, and watching my thoughts.  It all starts in the thoughts.  Those thoughts do come to me, thoughts about wrongs received.  I can choose to indulge in them and throw myself back into the pit of despair, or I can banish them immediately, from the very start.  I don't like the pit of despair.  I've been there before and it's a dark, hellish place.  God has given me the gift of forgiveness many times, after my many and fervent pleas, and in doing so has lifted me up and out of the dark pit of anguish, into the light of healing and happiness. I choose happiness and healing.  I choose liberating forgiveness, and I choose the loving, merciful God who affords it to me.